I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
