Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
