you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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