Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There r osticjed everywhere
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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