just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
