So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
