We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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