Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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