I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
