she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
