Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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