dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
