If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
