I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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