I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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