Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
