Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
