I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
