Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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