i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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