he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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