she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
