everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
