if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
