Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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