Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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