Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
