Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
