remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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