tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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