My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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