I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
