I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
