matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
