I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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