everyone is single if you try hard enough
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
