Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
