I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
