i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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