I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
