So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
