8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
