if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Randomize
