There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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