I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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