She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
