I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
