Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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