my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
