You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
