My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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