They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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